Albert Nahmani, a spiritual teacher of Non-duality/Advaita answers your questions on self inquiry, awakening and realization.
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FALLING IN LOVE WITH LOVE
Q: Can you please tell us about your Non-Duality-Advaita experience?
A: I am somewhat reluctant to share it as there is always the concern that others may attempt (or expect themselves) to follow or duplicate the process that led to what I call my peak experience. In fact, each one must learn to listen and follow their own heart during their inquiry for each of us can meet our Creator only via our own unique way.
As a young man I held a rebellious attitude, staying away from authority and resolving not to belong to anyone or organization. I must say though that my negative experiences were truly my best teachers. Once I understood this, it was up to me to review my life experiences through my new understanding of my true nature as a non-personal being. I was able to find in them hidden insights and treasures full of guidance that were there all along, ready for me to uncover them.
My inquiry and subsequent Advaita peak experience happened seemingly without the help of a teacher. In fact I did have many guides but I just wasn’t open to such possibilities at the time and therefore I didn’t and couldn’t recognize them as such. Their common characteristic is that they seem to help me transcend through a new paradigm and or transition to a turning point in my life. Such teachers sometimes appeared as strangers I met and listened to intensely even if for brief times, feeling that they knew and recognized my spiritual core better than friends or family with whom I lived for decades. During such a magical encounters, this stranger suddenly says something that is so meaningful and needed for me to hear right then and there that his or her insights shifted my previous perceptions to such an extent that I found myself entering a new paradigm. Sometimes my teacher is an author and the teaching is passed on through books which at times seemed to literally fall in my lap. Teachers also came to me through plays I had not even heard about beforehand. A pivotal one happened when I discovered the script of “Waiting for Godot” by Samuel Becket and again in 1984 while reading profusely J. Krishnamurti’s books. When I look back through the years it seems that such moments are in fact awakenings, little windows, tests of the flavor of our interconnectedness and peeks into the all-knowing nature of our true being. Teachers come in endless forms always here around us, guiding us to the gates of our creator, of the only absolute that is and there is, Consciousness, our absolute reality.
In my case, after decades of self-inquiry, meditation and spiritual group dialogues, my search for who or what I am came to an end in 1987 when I experienced the absolute reality (Non-Duality, Advaita) known in Buddhism as the “Clear Light of Dawn,” and in Kabala as “Beyond the Barrier.” Again, during that same week a teacher appeared. I met Murshid James MacKie, a follower of Meher Baba, founder of Sufism Reoriented.
In those days, I was as usual meditating daily for two hours in the early morning in my bedroom facing East. My state of mind was to sit and wait for the unexpected while expecting nothing. Whatever came up, I let it express itself. On that day, a vision of a small monkey appeared within me at the base of my spine. Determined and agile, it climbed up my vertebrae, hoped into my skull, walked between my temples to my pineal gland and sat Indian style inside my brain right behind and between my eyes. Still in trance, the meaning of this vision is revealed to me as I see myself walking along a wall and suddenly a great light shines on it and I have to move away from it to be able to read the 5 feet high gold Hebrew letters etched on the Wailing Wall of Jerusalem. The wall was immense and I felt frustrated because I couldn’t make sense of the mysterious writings. I felt like the monkey, agitated and desperate to find a way out.
Still in trance, the meaning of this vision is revealed to me in a thought moving like a meteorite written across the starry sky which I interpret to mean that an imminent paradigm shift is close. Suddenly a pure ball of bright white light appears in the horizon in front of me and in seconds it is now a few feet away revealing a bride’s dress made of white light and loving energy. I feel that I am ready. For months before my peak experience, I had a series of extremely clear visions and messages through meditations or lucid dreams.
On that glorious day I was as usual watching my thought with great intensity and without interruption or interaction. Within an hour of such observations, I found myself out of my body ( this was not an unusual development for me as I had experienced it numerous times before) and watching myself from above sitting in a yoga position, I realized that if I drew an outline of my silhouette it would look like a triangle. So I decided to have a triangle represent me for each of the seven Chakras, energy centers in my body. Then playfully at the base of my spine where Kundalini energy resides I decided to place the Ark of the Covenant and visualized all my ancestors assembled and praying around it. Suddenly a roar, like a huge waterfall, came rushing through my head and as soon as fear rose in me, it quickly retreated and subsided. I knew from experience that I needed to stay fearless and observe without reaction.
Knowing that something was imminent because of previous premonitions I resumed my efforts to stay still and focused my visualization on the seven triangles within me and the Ark of the Covenant which sat at the entrance of the base of my vertebrae. I brought in protective and inspirational reinforcements. I produced around me a halo of pure healing and protective light. I asked that spiritual developments within me should be to benefit society not just me and I asked my ancestors and the great ones, prophets and teachers, to stand around the covenant and protect me during this extremely dangerous but exhilarating moment as I slowly opened the door of the arch. A beam of the purest light gently rose from it and through the left side of my column vertebrae all the way inside my head up to the crown area. Because I was sitting with one hand over the other and my thumbs touching each other I visualized a focusing lens and as I did the beam of pure light became a powerful laser beam of light. Something guided me to bend the laser beam of light rising along my vertebrae into a right angle as it reached my crown so that it is directed towards my forehead.
Still visualizing, I sat as a miniature triangle inside my forehead in the location of the third eye and then I asked this light to simply show me what I truly am. The tempo and intensity went crescendo, I knew through experience that if I desired anything specific or for myself I would not succeed and that I could endanger myself by arousing my Kundalini energy from the right side of my vertebrae (known in Kundalini as the fiery side) and thereby create a flaming energy which could drive me literally mad. Quickly this intelligence inside me visualized a lens inside the crown of my head in a way as to bend the laser light rising along my vertebrae into a 90 degree angle, redirecting it into a horizontal line between my temples and lifting me on its way through my forehead, just above the ridge of my nose. Each time I came this close fear would take over me and my miraculous process and visualization disappeared. And yet, each time I failed I grew more resolve as I was encouraged that something was real here since I was able to duplicate it again and again. I felt my maker was near.
After a few trials, the power of my attraction and love for love was greater than my fear of death. A roar, like the Niagara Falls, came rushing through my head, my mind and time stood still…..A sharp electrifying Dzzzzennnnn sound struck from the back of my head through my left side of the brain through the front of my third eye and like fireworks burst out there into the sky. At that instant, the all-knowing eternal and blissful mantle of consciousness unveiled itself.
Q: How can one learn to abide in Advaita on a daily basis and yet live in a dual world?
A: I have in the past encountered many confusing teachings brought to us by people from the West who went to India and innocently misinterpreted and read literally what some of the Indian sayings were meant as metaphors in attempting to explain the core content and meaning of Advaita written in Sanskrit. Keep in mind that these are attempts to express the inexpressible in words. The difficulty is to express one’s experience of non-duality to a mind that believes that it is in and knows only duality.
Although such Non-Duality experience seals its seed in your flesh, bones and being and instantly uproots the roots of the tree/source of all our doubts/questions about the meaning and essence of our absolute reality, years can go by before most if not all leftovers of our misconceptions/dead leaves drop to finally reveal our true essence expressed in all there is within ourselves and in life. In fact one must be careful not to fall into the most dangerous trap of them all and that is identifying and attaching oneself to the image, memory of an Advaita/Non-Duality experience.
The illusion that one must or can live on a daily basis under such a state of ecstasy is another (hopefully the last) illusion. In my case, my peak experience rendered me nonfunctional for a few days. The day I went back to work I almost had a car accident. As I was making a left turn another Non Duality experience again struck me in the middle of the turn. As the ego self, the car and its surrounding vanished to uncover the inexpressible ecstasy of being in all there is and where the grass itself was an abundance of loving consciousness. And when I came back to my senses magically the car had parked itself on the side of the road. I read that the ecstasy from such experience and the sorrow felt for not being able to stay in such a blissful state acts on the brain and feels like one does under the effects of morphine. At first it feels like heavenly and then you are back on earth feeling still the ripples of bliss and at the same time the pangs of sorrow from having separated from it. So it is impossible and very dangerous to seek again and again such experiences.
If real, one such experience is sufficient to change one’s life permanently. Eventually slowly and gradually one learns to live with it at a functioning level. Eventually the environment feels more inviting, welcoming because it is immersed and surrounded by light, the sky seem bluer, trees and grass greener. The space is filled with welcoming warm light; the way it felt when we were children, loving and smiling at everything. Only then we were not aware of what we had because we had it all the time. One has to lose it first before one can find it back again and therefore become aware of it. Abiding in Non-duality feels the way it feels when one is in love. Because in fact Non-duality is love, therefore one is abiding in love. In a way our journey is to awaken ourselves to rediscover what we always were, are and will always be. Abiding in what one is reveals a safe and peaceful “Home” feeling.
The transition from Non-Duality experience and learning to abide in Advaita on a daily basis is like falling in love. At first it is an overwhelming experience, full of bliss, joy, and an “all knowing certainty”. From Advaita point of view it, Consciousness, Love, rejoices of itself again and again. From the personal point of view, falling in love means living not only for oneself but for the partner. Caring beyond oneself for “the other” as if we have fallen in love with life itself and all there is within it, In other words we fall in love with love itself. In both cases such a process can and will initially feel frightening, confusing and overwhelming as it seems to take control over our mind, emotions etc. Such experience of Love is what Non-Duality feels like.
In both experiences, the Advaita and personal, like a waterfall, it bursts from its source with a frightening roar and cascades through the unknown void and finds down below its more peaceful stream, becoming the river that it (Love, Consciousness) itself created, eventually finding its homeostasis and quietly and serenely continues its journey to fulfill the cycle of life. For each new experience, initially our heart is awakened by Love which at different times expresses itself in diverse forms, often so quietly and consistently that we are not even aware of it but we “know” it is here. Living daily in Advaita brings such a non-causal bliss, joy. Not needing a cause or purpose, it is within us wherever we are. Such beingness and feeling of wellness is so constantly and so consistently here that one is not aware of it anymore. It and you are not two.
FOLLOW YOUR BLISS
Q: How does one live on the daily basis in this busy world and yet be in non-duality? It seems like a conflicting proposition.
A: Let us clarify what does the term to experience Non-Duality means. In fact we are always experiencing Non-Duality! Therefore whenever I say one needs to experience Non-Duality, I in fact have misspoken. What I mean to say by that is that one needs to be “awakened” to our natural state of being which Non-Duality is. This awakening, a peek into our timeless, space-less, eternal absolute reality, reveals itself through our body-mind as an experience. Why and when does it happen? I couldn’t answer except to say that it is in the hands of grace. Sometimes it comes at you unexpectedly if you have been monk- like meditating or not. You can be totally unknowing of Non duality never read a book and grace can gently and slowly sprinkle on you (unbeknown to you) a deep knowing and understanding of your true nature or it may suddenly strike you like lightening and awaken you instantly. On the other hand some people may gradually follow a specific discipline and they seem to get a breakthrough.
One may ask did they get there or did Consciousness, our intelligent all-knowing absolute reality lead us there? In fact there is no specific path or one way to experiencing enlightenment. As J. Krishanmurti said. ”I maintain that Truth is a pathless land, and you cannot approach it by any path whatsoever, by any religion, by any sect.” I may think that I am the doer making this happen but in reality (there is no I) I had nothing to do with it. But once grace sends you the invitation in a thundering way or a whisper then it is your choice (probably the only real choice you have) to accept it and work with it or not. It is never an obligation. Because it could scare you and you may decide against it. In these cases it is truly your free choice. You may decide to welcome and receive the gift, deny it or repress it. If you happen to share the news with someone who has not experienced such a gift or your own thoughts may react from fear of the unknown and suggest that you will go mad then you are afraid that they might be right at which point you may panic and repress or even forget the whole experience. Similarly mini invitations may have happened to you as a child and soon you forget it ever happened to you. If you search in your childhood memory and sincerely allow for the possibility of such invitations you might be surprised to discover those moments when grace was calling on you.
Q:If this is true will grace try again even though I denied it many times before?
A: Yes! In my opinion since our absolute reality is always here, it is not that grace comes once in a while but rather it is us that consciously or not allow ourselves to lift our own veil (false belief) to view what is. “
Q:How do I make myself more keenly aware and open to these invitations?
A:Since it is the very essence of our being, Consciousness, our absolute reality has to be constantly glaring at us and vice versa, since we are it, we are that. I AM knows that I am. It is (I AM) Consciousness that knows that I is. Like the daylight, such knowing is constantly upon us. When we merely shift our attention within we naturally always find it here. This process feels like an awakening just like when we first fall in love suddenly we feel as if the whole world is suddenly happy too when in fact the world has always been joyous and it is I who become ready to see it for what it is. This means that we have a veil, a false belief of what we think we are and so if we are expecting the wrong thing and are not looking for what we truly are we are not going to find us. Even if it is right here in front of my eyes I am not going to see or recognize it because for that to happen I have to first of all acknowledge that it exists. The absolute reality, our true beingness, this causeless joy that we are swimming in is the stuff that we are made of. Incredibly it is possible to miss its simplicity and evidence if we are not looking for it or if we are expecting it to be something else.
My thoughts are constantly and obsessively looking and asking where and what am I? And I don’t seem to be able to stop my thoughts for long enough to realize what I truly am.
Its little bit like the dog always sniffing the smell of another dog. It’s the smell that is leading the dog and the dog is as if a prisoner of the smell. So in a way we are a little bit like that. We have one thought after another and we are caught and attached to the question that arose from the previous answer of its previous questions which arose from its previous answer etc. So like the dog we/thought is following the (smell) trail of another thought (Q/A). Bu if we shift our attention from our mind movement and noise to our peaceful inner stillness and quiet we find our true nature between two thoughts. And these silences are peaceful and pleasant, if we could only switch our mode, and instead of sniffing for thoughts, sniff for those silent peaceful moments. Make those the important quest. Look for those moments and celebrate them. Be like a dog constantly sniffing for that stillness and discover it everywhere. Such moments are here and there, blissful joy in everything. And above all and before anything else find it in your silences in between and as the background of your thoughts. And slowly and gradually you realize that you dwell comfortably in your silences. If you are going to have any attachments then have them to those silences between thoughts rather than the anxious vicious circle of questions-answers spinning itself to frenzy.
Q: Are all thoughts not good?
A: Those practical questions that help us find out how to get a job and how to drive a car are fine. They do not make us suffer they help us live and survive. What makes us suffer are the obsessing thoughts that J. Krishnamurti calls Psychological suffering which stem from the false belief that, right here right now, this presence is only me/mine and that you have your own presence and that it is separate from me, my presence. But in fact, right here and now, if you pay close attention to it, there is this realm, this peaceful conscious moment that is embracing all of us and that is everywhere including in and out of our body/minds. This is our absolute real self.
If I am not aware of this, if I am blind to this, if like a sniffing dog, I am constantly paying attention to and following the smell of my own thoughts instead of being aware of such thoughts as not being of me but rather as bouncing in me then I will always fail to gracefully embrace this ….moment and instead I am going to buy into this feeling of lack, of never being enough, of never settling in and therefore I am going to feel lonely, separate, divided and my attention will follow those thoughts that say maybe if I work a few more years and make enough money to retire then I’ll find the time to get to that peaceful place. It is always tomorrow and tomorrow is never now or here. We all know what that means. It is like the rainbow; you keep going for it but can never catch it. It is an illusion. Understanding all that, paying more attention to this still, peaceful beingness…Try it and see what happens… Don’t believe my words, try it out. You tried everything else. Try it out. It is free and harmless. It is just a shift of focusing here rather that there. You either focus on the maddening thoughts or you focus and enjoy these peaceful moments right here right now. The more we pay attention to this quiet welcoming home base and the more it calls on us to pay more attention to it. And then it grows on you and becomes automatic.
TO KEEP OR NOT TO KEEP
Q: Does one have to become monk-like to experience or live fully in Non-Duality? And if not what parts of myself do I let go or keep?
A: No. I do not believe that you have to become a monk like to experience or abide in Non Duality. Now some people may feel the need for that and it does not mean that they shouldn’t be monk like. But I think behind your question lies another one and that is how do I abide daily in Non Duality and yet live in a world of Duality at the same time. You see, the thought that is asking the question is itself under the false belief that it is dual and therefore it asks the question how can it be that I am both dual (separate entity) and non-dual (an entity of Not-Two, indivisible beingness). This false belief creates the fear that you will lose yourself and that you will die. Since you are truly Consciousness you were always here and that means you were here before your body came to this world and that you, Consciousness, will be here after your body drops. So there is no self and no-thing is lost. There is a false belief that the self dies, which then creates fear of death and panic. And then you say oh my God what is going to happen to me once I experience Advaita? How will my community view me and are they going to recognize me? And what parts of myself should I let go or keep?
So what exactly do I have to let go off? What I let go of are my attachments to and identifications and involvement with the maddening questions and answers. What also went away is that uncomfortable needle like feeling inside this body mind, Albert, always feeling not enough, and unable to just simply rest here and now due to the disharmony and dis-ease brought about by a belief that could never be matched by what is, the absolute reality. So there is an illusion, a false belief of being a separate consciousness from the “other” (and therefore feeling not enough, lonely, lost and needy) conflicting with the absolute, undivided all inclusive and blissful reality from which emanates a feeling of being always fulfilled wherever one is.
Knowing subconsciously our peaceful and fulfilled natural being, we seek to get “there”, “home” perhaps “tomorrow.” Eventually mind understands deeply its limitations and it resigns itself to that understanding and the unknown.
Something, some may call grace, chooses the time, place and the way in which to call on us and awaken us to our reality. It may come when you are young and you won’t seem to recognize it. Later on if you go back in time to review those moments then you say yes that is it. This is one of the many times when it was knocking on my door. One does not lose his/her identity, what changes is your attachment to it; those thoughts, desires and identity. Albert is still aware of Albert but no longer identifies with his thoughts of being divided from the other. He no longer identifies with his false beliefs of being not enough. Therefore he no longer needs to exclude a person or a thing.
IAM is inclusive, welcoming yet without attaching to or identifying with any inclusions. IAM is continuously awaring, welcoming and celebrating what is including thoughts as they appear in consciousness and are made of it but it, being omnipotent and causeless is not made of thought.
Q: I am not able to formulate the question to ask What am I supposed to ask myself in order to understand clearly what is at stake here?
A: Am I certain that I am separate from you? Is my consciousness different from yours and furthermore is it trapped in this body as a separate entity at war with others? Or are we all Consciousness inherent everywhere, as the ground and the form and content of all that was created, including outside and inside of our bodies and minds/thoughts. Are we this Consciousness that is welcoming, witnessing, awaring and understanding all there is right here right now including these words?
That’s it, isn’t it? You choose. A self that is excluding and divisive begets conflict and psychological suffering or an inclusive and welcoming Self, a conscious river with the path of least resistance welcoming all that is on its path knowing itself as the infinite and eternal ocean of love. However please do not believe a word this speaker said, I am not here to create another belief system but rather to inquire into your own belief even if it feels real. So first you must check it out for yourself and ask yourself what am I, a limited or an unlimited all inclusive consciousness? Assume you are the latter, experiment with that. What do you have to lose? You have tried the other, which is competition, division, separation, jealousy, hatred and all that. Allow for the possibility that maybe just maybe you have been under the spell of a false premise all this time. If you do not allow for this new possibility that your real self may be different, a conscious expanded being transcending matter, you won’t recognize it even if it is in fact hovering over you as well as observing the world through your eyes right now. With this false premise, perhaps once in a while you may get a little insight or peace here and there but most of the time you may identify with and experience sorrow, anxieties and divisiveness.
WE ARE THE WORLD
Q: How do you define Guru?
A: There is no teacher, nor Guru. That is an illusion. Maybe you call them by that name, but the naming is not the thing. The naming is only for communication purposes but does not define a reality. In fact it carries within it the false assumption that there is a you and a me in communication whereas there is only Consciousness conversing with itself. If there is only one beingness right here right now, where is the Guru, where is the student? There is only one thing going on right now and that is Consciousness having a monologue with itself perceived by our classifying mind as a dialogue with many people. If fact Consciousness is enjoying its own awareness through these monologues and even through our own misperceptions and contradiction about what is.
There is just this presence. When our mind is still, presence is self-evident, experiential and real. You can feel it as it fulfills us and resonates with us. This is how we know. Although you may not understand what is taking place but you can feel it and it resonates with something deep within that feels true and right. So what is the proof that it resonates with you? If it did not you wouldn’t be able to understand what I am saying at all and you wouldn’t be nodding your head right now. If I speak English and you speak Chinese we couldn’t communicate but if I am speaking from the absolute reality which is what we all are and we are aware that we understand each other that means that we are both relating to and being informed from the same reality, the same common ground into which and from which we all communicate and understand each other. The same ground, same echo. It has to be. And it feels so right. Like a fish in the ocean.
Q:Is there a spiritual world when I dream and is it the same as when I awake?
A: You could say that when we go to sleep thought, having been on overdrive during the day, hypnotizes itself to slowdown. Sometimes it does so by taking a shower, reading a book and or other rituals that help the mind settle down and signal itself to slow down and sleep. During most of the time during sleep thought activity goes into the background minimized so that the body can spend its energy to heal itself and the body. During dream time it helps the mind review the challenges it encountered during the day. And when you are in deep sleep or in meditation and your thoughts are the least active, it seems that you can receive insights with which you problem-solve your challenges and discover new paradigms. During meditation or deep sleep the thought process calms down to an almost stand still and our identifications with and attachments to our hectic questions and answers (psychological suffering) seem to be minimized and where the ego seems to be put on hold. During such time we seem to become an almost non-personal viewer, someone with a detached or little investment to what is taking place in our dream. This in turn seems to free ones energy for other creative activities and problem solving or even insights. Now during dreams or meditation it seems if it came from another dimension another paradigm that we could not have thought of, some call that grace. When we are in deep meditation or asleep our veil (thoughts of false belief) is set aside just enough to allow us to see through into our true infinite self. This we may call insights or premonitions, clairvoyance, a spirit etc. In its infinite wisdom it disguises itself in whatever ways it deems best for our vessel to receive the message. Sometimes, unlike the usual confusing dreams, it may reveal itself with much light and with a very lucid clear message in an HD, 3D, TV screen like fashion. Such messages can be about up and coming new awakenings or events that you may be experiencing down the near future.
Consciousness can disguise itself as it wishes and is not beholden to any form or thought. That is why attachment to any one path or way can be the worst of the attachments we go through. Because now we are forgetting that Consciousness can and will always express itself through infinite ways. Whoever says the truth is my way is part of those that have created all the wars of religions. Everybody think that their God is better than others. If only the world could understand that. What a powerful thing it could be. Unfortunately the only way we can do that is to look within and understanding that within ourselves. That is the best we can do. From that understanding, like the rings formed after a pebble is dropped into a clear lake, our understanding will model and communicate outwardly to others until it reaches the shores of our ignorance.
Q: How does one experience psychic phenomena?
A: Before experiencing the awakening to their true self absolute reality, through dreams, meditation or unexpectedly in any way grace deems it, one may experience awakenings to psychic phenomena, out of body experiences, clear lucid dreaming or clairvoyant messages. The most important thing to remember in this case is to not become attached to any of these discoveries. Although some people may choose to do that and become Psychics which is fine if that is their goal, this may be a hindrance to one’s continuing development towards experiencing our absolute reality.
How will you describe the difference between attachment and passion?
If a passion stems from an attachment then it is causal and therefore it is co-dependent and may even become an obsession. In this case attachments exist when we falsely believe that our existence depends on this or that. If my happiness is causal, which means it depends on my status, money, house, my wife, etc. then whenever any of these are threatened my little being is threatened too because it believes that its happiness and existence depends on them. And when it can’t stop at will such dependencies on those objects needed to fill in that missing happiness it is called and it becomes an obsession.
A passion is usually about something that is greater than and beyond the supposedly limits of our self. As such it is not an attachment anymore. That is being in love with love, your absolute reality. You are not dividing yourself from reality. A mother knows that feeling when she gives birth to her baby. From that moment on her whole life now exist for her baby. It is similar as when you fall in love with someone. You initially give yourself totally to him or her at least for the time you are in love. Mahatma Gandhi’s passion was to save his people and India it was not about him. He put his life on the line when he said I will fast until both the Muslims and Hindus of my country make peace together. He did fast until the leaders from both sides begged him to eat something. That is passion. Is it an attachment? Yes, but it is the only attachment that is worth attaching yourself into. But in fact you can’t call it an attachment anymore if you abide in and live coherently with the absolute reality, your true self. Like presence, you become non personal and your life is lived in coherence with all sentient beings and the planet. At that point you are the true reflection of God. For me that is the true meaning of God made us to his image.”
SURRENDER!
Q: In my dream as I knew that I was dreaming within my dream I noticed that I had no thoughts. It was peaceful but also it was very noticeable because I am used to this state of busy mind that I have right now. This was different, it was a new experience and yet it felt as if I had experienced this peacefulness before but it was only now that I was becoming aware of it. I never noticed it before. And my question is was I conscious then during my dream even though I had no thoughts?
A: During an experience of being between two thoughts the observer and the observed (in this case the dream character) are one. Then a millisecond later thought piggybacks on that experience and says “Hum! Notice how I have no thoughts.”
As you said correctly it felt new because for the first time you became aware (after the fact) of the no-thought experience that had just happened. Your confusion is really with the time line. Did my awareness happen at the same time as my experience? And if so how can it be that I can have a thought and yet experience a thoughtless moment? In fact the moment thought come in and says anything it is happening after the experience and not at the same time. So the very moment thought says that it is aware of a no thought experience it is in fact a naming and a memory of what was which is why it feels different from what it was hence the confusion. Thought piggybacks on the experience so fast that if you are not trained to notice it you will have the impression that thought was there all along. Do you see that? Good. Now regardless if it is in a dream or during the day, the moment we truly experience anything, at that very moment there is no thought.
When you are running for your life because a bear is running after you, at that very moment there is no thought; even fear comes before and after your flight or fight action. During that initial action of fly and run away or fight, you are the bear, the wind, the sun, the trees, fear, life and death, all of it. But at that moment your awareness as a person with a name and history does not exist. The only thing that exists is the running or fighting aware of itself and all that is at that moment simultaneously and at once. At such time all is One, an undivided non-dual field of being. You are no longer, only running or fighting is. It is only before or after that experience that thought comes in.
Also, we have this false belief that being conscious equals thought and therefore it means that we have to have a busy mind always thinking about something. For a long time my thoughts were extremely busy and I thought that this meant a high intelligence. My friends branded me as “The Philosopher” and I was proud of it. But in fact it was a burden. I mean yes, you need logic to function and survive, but when it creates anxieties, greed, hatred and jealousies and it obsessively goes aimlessly on overdrive, it brings us only suffering. So take for example this moment right here as we dialogue. Being conscious does not necessarily imply that the mind must be busy trying to figure out what to do or say next. On the contrary, for me being conscious means a peaceful and quiet mind present to what is right here right now and trusting that whatever is needed to happen at this moment will happen and it will all take care of itself. And it does. I do not have to prepare for what I need to say next. I just trust in this presence here and being open to all possibilities and insights and then answers arise freely. The presence allows the question to reveal the answer. I am not answering it, we are answering it. Consciousness is. So it is flowing and restful. It is not struggling at all. That is Consciousness.
So from a linear way of thinking, the experience of peaceful thoughtless awareness that you had in your dream is closer to the source of our being, Non-duality, than the overdriven anxious thinking, the psychological suffering that we experience during the day and sometimes during a dream, too. But during the experiencing of bliss or psychological distress, that which is aware of it all is the presence, consciousness, our absolute reality. If you pay attention you become aware that that which is witnessing, the real you, is doing so from a peaceful place.
What do human beings look for? To be happier and fulfilled with little or no psychological suffering, so anything that takes us away from that should signal to us a red flag. Therefore we need to pay attention to those places that in real life resemble those moments that you experienced in your peaceful dream. Pay more attention to those moments.
Q: Is it thought that stops those peaceful moments?
A: Not so much thought in itself but rather it is our identification and attachment to thought that is the culprit. Between two thoughts, during that still, peaceful and present moment, Albert or thought is not consciousnessing, only Consciousness, our absolute reality is. A second later, a thought, created by the automatic assembly of the audio-visual effects from the experience, confusing that which was aware of the experience (Consciousness our true identity) for itself and believing (falsely) to be consciousness itself thought says, “wasn’t that sunset great? Thereby memorizing, naming and filing it as it. So notice what happened here? There was an experiencing of bliss (with no Albert in it) and now thought (Albert), claims the experience and now it wants more of it.
In fact I (thought) did not create or have the experience. Consciousnessing experiences and celebrates itself through this body/mind which in turn interprets the experience as a separate thing from itself due to its limited three dimensional system and capabilities. Understandably, the dimensionless, all inclusive consciousnessing cannot be comprehended by the mind. Thought, a reflection of consciousness operating through this body-brain prism can only be interpreted and viewed through its limited capacities. Limited as it is, thought however has a very effective and life-saving process in helping us to not only survive but also co-manage this planet. We are also awakening and learning how to perceive our world within and around us from a dual and non-dual perspective.
Not being aware of this dual process creates a false belief that I am separate from my experience, from my non-dual absolute reality. Mostly feeling separate from what is, I come then to believe that I am not and will never be in or at the right place or right time. I then feel that I am not enough. I feel lost. This in turn creates the endless need to be something else than what I am at the present moment. This feeling of not being grounded and not belonging to our true full-filled self is the root cause of our psychological suffering.
However, grace (harmonious awareness) helps us somehow know intuitively that this lack of grounding itself points to our eternal and infinite ground and true source Consciousness which is aware of all thought processes including this one that says that what we are Consciousness, a continuously awaring process that cannot be frozen or fixed in time or space. Our absolute reality is constantly in self renewal, forever in flux and alive is omnipotent and eternally present.
For each moment is new. A moment ago your arms were unfolded and he had other thoughts. To fall for the trap and false belief that the absolute reality can be framed in a statue, picture, thought or religion and freeze it in time is the cause for idolatry and blasphemy and the source of fundamentalism and fanaticism and the reason for all the religious and non-religious wars. Those who are not satisfied in their heart know that something is amiss, including and especially the spiritual addict, and are constantly looking somewhere else. They have not yet become clear in their heart that they are the absolute reality.
Q: Why are so many spiritual people constantly looking but not deeply enough?
Q:That is what thought wants us to do. It is its function to say” Oh you did not find it here? Try over there! It helped us when we were hunters. Oh look there. Is it not there? Go look over there. Our challenge is to awaken and realize that we have been looking everywhere except where we are now, here and within ourselves. Sit still and look within and see what comes up. Perhaps you will find what you are looking for right here right now. But this process of trial and error is healthy and we must be thankful for the mind which helps us eventually arrive at the conclusion that it, the mind in and of itself can bring us only to the realization that it has its own limits and cannot uncover for us our own unlimited and eternal essence. Because it, mind/thought, is in itself an object seen by (us) the “seeing” Consciousness. How else can thought, a temporary, limited and observed object, see the limitless and eternal seeing? Eventually the mind understands this deeply and comes to sit, which is the very meaning and intention behind the concept and ritual expressed literally in the Hebrew word Shabbat. The concept and meaning of this “sitting and surrendering to the spiritual world” which opens up the possibility for a new paradigm, God, is found in all religions. There, you, a fearful and trembling mortal, courageously sit still on the holly grounds where you and your bride or Calah (one of the many Hebrew names for the Creator), merge as one.
ABIDING IN THE HERE AND NOW
Q: I always have difficulties at first being in the moment for meditation. Because my mind is so busy thinking of the past or the future. I know I am supposed to just enjoy this moment which is the only thing that is but it is easier said than done. Why is that?
A: Abiding in presence (non-duality), thought recedes and nature is revealed surrounded by a sparkling, fulfilled and blissful (long forgotten but intimately familiar) light which comes alive and to the forefront on the perceived stage, reflecting our still, peaceful and fulfilled heart. Be then like the trees and the grass. Feel them, they are not trying to be or become anything. They just are.
When we allow our attention to choicelessly (without reacting to or acting on) receive, absorb and welcome all there is including the noises and our physical and thought discomfort then they all recede in the background. It does not necessarily mean that thought dissolves (although it can) it simply retreats because your attention now rests within its absolute reality where it feels most at home and recognizes itself most.
Slowly we learn to be aware of this “home-fulfilled” feeling even while one is talking or listening to someone else. It may become more feasible and accessible as we practice this choiceless observing. Soon it becomes second nature. First it is easier when practiced in meditation and retreats and then one learns to practice this new way of perceiving, of abiding in Advaita anywhere on a daily basis. And then as it becomes (or rather as you wake up to) your faithful companion you are easily drawn into an inseparable and loyal friendship with your true presence while thought recedes into back stage.
Q: What is the process by which we learn to become aware of our true self, presence in the here and now?
A: So at first we learn to examine how and why thought gets in the way and take over control. Then we discover that it is when we give thought our attention and identify with its content that it seems to hold sway over us. Then we learn that as we observe (without re-acting) without attaching ourselves to it or identifying with it thought’s energy subsides or dissolves all together. Eventually we scarcely are aware of this process which becomes second nature as we fully identify with the non-personal presence where all is fulfilled and just as it should be.
Q:Since it becomes automatic, how will I know?
A: When I look back or check within and find that I have not had any psychological suffering in the last few hours or days, or it was short-lived, less frequent and with less emotional effect on me. Also, you know it by inferring it from the times you seem to not have been aware of time that went by as it was peaceful and pleasant. You can’t know it at the time that you are present. If you try to find out if you are/were present then you already are no longer present. When you are present you are the light, the smell, the sound, the background and all of it. It is like being a one dimensional painting where the paint and space are merged in one full-filled presence pleased to be.
Q:Why can’t we just do it? Just follow the process you just mentioned.
A: Thought always say “perhaps tomorrow I will experience enlightenment, maybe the truth is over there, maybe I’ll find it after I retire or achieve this status,” etc. In the word to be-come, to just ‘be” is deemed insufficient and therefore it hopes to come in the future. Now why is it that “being” must come when it already is here? Do you understand the fallacy here? Thought always creates the illusion of space and time. I am not arguing if there is a physical time. It takes time to travel from here to New York, but rather I am looking at the psychological time. If I feel lonely and in my own bubble, separate from you and the world out there, that is psychological space, that I created by falsely believing that I am limited and stuck in this mortal body. I then believe that I have to fight and fear you because now you seem to be the “other” with whom it seems that I am not connected intimately. If on the hand I have experienced non-duality and I am abiding in it why would I fight you when you are me, presence?
Because we falsely believe that we are this body/mind we therefore believe, even as we are here and now, that in order to find and meet our missing piece or God we need to go “over there” beyond this (body) time and space limitation, in order for us to get to this mystical final destination. That is why we cannot fathom the possibility that we are here and there and that we are already “ALL THAT” a space-less eternal and infinite being, like air permeating all matter including this body/brain. Therefore we must first question the validity of this (false) premise that we are a limited being. Who or what is saying that we are limited? Thought itself is making such a statement. But thought itself is limited.
IS THOUGHT LIMITED?
Q:How do I know that thought itself is limited?
A: We say that thought is an object because it has the same characteristic as an object as they both can be perceived by us, unlimited consciousness. So how can this limited thought comprehend or perceive in its totality that which is unlimited and perceiving it? As a person one cannot perceive oneself as consciousness and so understandably we, as thought, cannot find our true greater self. Whatever perceives has to be greater and on higher ground than the thing perceived. No wonder thought is at a loss and is always asking questions and doubting what is standing right in front and all around it. Why? Because it is limited by dimensions! It dwells in time and space and cannot perceive or comprehend the limitless and timeless. However because thought is permeated by the absolute reality, as soon as it rests it realizes where it is and feels at home as it recalls its absolute source. And until then I/thought will keep asking about the meaning of life and of what-am-I and guiding itself to its true nature through deductive logic saying “No, not this, not that, try there, not there either.” This will happen until it/thought understands that it is itself limited and finally surrenders to its greater self, the unknown.
We, our true presence, are/is already here, have always been here. But thought, believing that it is all there is and responding to its only programmed function which is to protect itself, feels the need to organize and control your own need to find your greater self. So thought constantly leads to your search “Yes, try over there; no I can’t sit still it makes me nervous; what will I do then and what will be my purpose?” Thought always wants to keep moving, keep looking anywhere else but right here right now otherwise it may find out that I is not needed. At least this is what thought believes.
In fact we do need and will always need the practical thoughts/mind in order to survive and function in society. That is why thought/mind panics when we sit quietly and become still when we merge for a moment and become one with our own presence. Just at that moment thought comes in and says. “Are you alright? Why are you so still, you don’t seem to be breathing, be careful you might disappear? Are sure you are alright?” Thought will create that doubt and fear (of death) just when you are ready to let go and just be you, what is. So seeing deeply and totally such pattern in thought, the next time when thought says “Are you alright?” smile and let that thought evaporate, not even giving it energy with a “go away”. Instead just be mirror like, effortlessly reflecting thought to itself. When it sees itself it ceases to be. Another thought may arise instead, but this one is no longer. Like a moth to the light, thought rises and as it sees its limitation it dissolves.
FACE YOUR FEAR
Q:Every time I try to look at my suffering I get panic attacks. Why is it so hard?
A: The good news is that we can perceive. The bad news is that believing that I am the perceived (thought) and not realizing that I am this perceiving Consciousness, I identify with the thought and concept that I am a person, a name, a status and a history. My conditioned mind becomes full of assumptions, guilt and sorrow, including the hurt that was done to me and the hurt I have inflicted on others.
However, once I realize experientially that I am Consciousness in which all this exists, here and now, I am able to welcome and be aware of our surroundings, of you, these spoken words and of these false beliefs- thoughts which this time hold little or no control and have no effect over my emotional realm. At first, the old me (mind) no longer impinges on me in the same way it did before; then, it no longer affects me. And then, better yet, I can now go back to those negative past experiences and find hidden in them the golden nuggets within those painful moments. And now, as I am reviewing those experiences through my new identity, Consciousness, I am like a handicapped person who has been given a new body (spirit). I am learning how to walk. Only now I can do so (in my mind and heart) reviewing and understanding my past from the all loving, inclusive and giving presence that I am. All those past and painful experiences have brought me to here and now. Without them I would have not been frustrated enough and my fuel would not have burned sufficiently to say enough is enough.
First things first! First I must see my psychological suffering for what it is. I can review it and allow its sorrow to come out and tell me its story. I can’t just repress all that and come out the other end having the feeling of being free from it all. Do you know what I mean? If one is denying that one has suffered such as, for example, those who suffered in my home town. They denied their suffering under an authoritarian regime because it was necessary for their survival. I mean if you do not acknowledge your own suffering how can you heal yourself?
So first I need to review whatever ails me, let it sit on my lap and reveal its sorrow. My mind will fight this and will create a thought that says, fly, run away, move, do something but do not stay here. Fear will overwhelm me, but I will keep trying to welcome this process until my painful past reveals itself. I will tell my fear it is alright. I will cry and compassionately embrace whatever or whoever made me suffer, because they themselves have incurred suffering which is why they are passing it on. I must free myself from this vicious circle; I need to see all of this suffering in a deep and total way so that I can break the shackles from my past. Otherwise I can never be free to be within my presence right here, right now as I still would be dwelling in my past. Free at last, I can now expand into my true limitless, lively, exciting, child-like and compassionate beingness.
One cannot do this serious work by just flirting with it. At least in my experience, for a strong output one needs a strong input. It is not how many years you put into this process but rather the intensity, honesty, and depth of inquiry you give it while baring your soul and allowing (with no resistance) your fears to rise into consciousness. That is what will bear fruit. At least that is what happened with me. Sometimes, though, what happens is that grace will strike like lightening and awaken me further, bypassing the painful process of reviewing my past sorrow. Why and how this happens I truly have no idea.
Our absolute reality, in this case some may call it grace, can surprise people even if they know nothing about their true selves and were not even inquiring. Truth is not limited to any form or process and may come when least expected and however it chooses. So once it knocks on your door, you may choose to welcome it or run away from it or even deny it.
Q: Obviously intellectual knowing is not enough when it comes to creating the fire in my desire to really look at the cost of attachment to my thoughts. How might it affect me in the past and in the future? And how it is affecting me right now! Yes, I am a walking ball of anxieties. I describe anxieties as fighting fear.
A: Wait! Stay right there! You see that fear? That is your teacher, not me. You have been refusing to open the door to your teacher for a long time now. You need to let that fear sit on your lap and look at it straight in the eye and ask it to finally reveal its story to you. Fear not. It will not harm you. You will not go crazy. Only good things will come out. Try it. You have tried everything else, right? There is your key right there. Fear is and has been your friend all along. You just need to view it that way and then it won’t be fear. You’ll hear its drama as if you are sitting tense but safe in an action movie watching the suspense. Just like in a ghost story in a summer camp. Give it the time and space, meditate on, observe and welcome whatever comes up to you emotionally. At the end of the day, it will all be fine.
The name of your meetup group is What AM I? I am not able to formulate the question to ask. What am I supposed to ask myself in order to understand clearly what is at stake here?
Am I certain that I am (only) here in this body/mind? If so can I find myself in this body mind? Where am I? can I point to me somewhere in my body or brain? Not being able to do so I am now in doubt and no more certain as I was a minute ago that I am truly trapped in this body/mind. My next question then is Am I separate from you? Is my consciousness different from yours and furthermore is it trapped in this body as a separate entity and therefore at war with others? This then begs the next question, Perhaps we are all Consciousness inherent everywhere, the form and content of all that was created, including outside and inside of our bodies and minds/thoughts. Are we this Consciousness that is welcoming, witnessing, awaring and understanding all there is right here right now including these words?
Once we answer these questions then that’s it, isn’t it? You choose. A self that is excluding and divisive begets conflict and psychological suffering or an inclusive and welcoming Self, a conscious river with the path of least resistance welcoming all that is on its path knowing itself as the infinite and eternal ocean of love.
However please do not believe a word this speaker said, I am not here to create another belief system but rather to inquire into your own belief even if it feels real. So first you must check it out for yourself and ask yourself what am I? Limited or an unlimited all inclusive consciousness? Assume you are the latter, experiment with that. What do you have to lose? You have tried the other, which is competition, division, separation, jealousy, hatred and all that. Allow for the possibility that maybe just maybe you have been under the spell of a false belief all this time. If you do not allow for this new possibility that your real self may be different, a conscious expanded being transcending matter, you won’t recognize it even if it is in fact hovering over you and observing the world through your eyes right now. Perhaps once in awhile you may get a little insight or peace here and there but most of the time you may identify with and experience sorrow, anxieties and divisiveness.
How do you define Guru?
There is no teacher, nor Guru. That is an illusion. Maybe you call them by that name, but the naming is not the thing. The naming is only for communication purposes but does not define a reality. In fact it carries within it the false assumption that there is a you and a me in communication whereas there is only Consciousness conversing with itself. If there is only one beingness right here right now, where is the Guru, where is the student? There is only one thing going on right now and that is Consciousness having a monologue with itself perceived by our classifying mind as a dialogue with many people. If fact Consciousness is enjoying its own awareness of itself through these monologues and even through our own misperceptions and contradiction about what is.
There is just this presence. When our mind is still presence is self-evident, experiential and real. You can feel it as it resonates within us. This is how we know. Although you may not understand what is taking place but you can feel it and it resonates with something deep within that feels true and right. So why is it that it resonates with you? If it did not you wouldn’t be able to understand what I am saying at all and you wouldn’t be nodding your head right now. If I speak English and you speak Chinese we couldn’t communicate but if I am speaking from the absolute reality which is what we all are and we are aware that we understand each other it means that we are both relating to and relying on the same reality, the same common ground into which and from which we all communicate and understand each other. The same ground, same echo. It has to be. And it feels so right. Like a fish in the ocean.
Why are so many spiritual people constantly looking but not deeply enough?
That is what thought wants us to do. It is its function to say” Oh you did not find it here? Try over there! It helped us when we were hunters. Oh look there. Is it not there? Go look over there. Our challenge is to awaken and realize that we have been looking everywhere except where we are now, here and within ourselves. Sit still and look within and see what comes up. Perhaps you will find what you are looking for right here right now. But this process of trial and error is healthy and we must be thankful for the mind which helps us eventually arrive at the conclusion that it, the mind in and of itself can bring us only to the realization that it has its own limits and cannot uncover for us our own unlimited and eternal essence. Because it, mind/thought, is in itself an object seen by (us) the “seeing” Consciousness. How then can thought, a temporary, limited and observed object, see the limitless and eternal seeing? Eventually the mind understands this deeply and comes to sit, which is the very meaning and intention behind the concept and ritual expressed literally in the Hebrew word Shabbat. The concept and meaning of this “sitting and surrendering to the spiritual world” which opens up the possibility for a new paradigm, God, is found in all religions. There, you, a fearful and trembling mortal, courageously sit still on the holly grounds where you and your bride or Kalah (one of the many Hebrew names for the Creator), merge as one.
Why are so many spiritual people constantly looking but not deeply enough?
That is what thought wants us to do. It is its function to say” Oh you did not find it here? Try over there! It helped us when we were hunters. Oh look there. Is it not there? Go look over there. Our challenge is to awaken and realize that we have been looking everywhere except where we are now, here and within ourselves. Sit still and look within and see what comes up. Perhaps you will find what you are looking for right here right now. But this process of trial and error is healthy and we must be thankful for the mind which helps us eventually arrive at the conclusion that it, the mind in and of itself can bring us only to the realization that it has its own limits and cannot uncover for us our own unlimited and eternal essence. Because it, mind/thought, is in itself an object seen by (us) the “seeing” Consciousness. How then can thought, a temporary, limited and observed object, see the limitless and eternal seeing? Eventually the mind understands this deeply and comes to sit, which is the very meaning and intention behind the concept and ritual expressed literally in the Hebrew word Shabbat. The concept and meaning of this “sitting and surrendering to the spiritual world” which opens up the possibility for a new paradigm, God, is found in all religions. There, you, a fearful and trembling mortal, courageously sit still on the holly grounds where you and your bride or Kalah (one of the many Hebrew names for the Creator), merge as one.
I always have difficulties at first being in the moment for meditation. Because my mind is so busy thinking of the past or the future. I know I am supposed to just enjoy this moment which is the only thing that is but it is easier said than done. Why is that?
Abiding in presence (non-duality), thought seems to recede and nature is surrounded by a sparkling, fulfilled and blissful (long forgotten but intimately familiar) light which comes alive and to the forefront on the perceived stage, reflecting our still, peaceful and fulfilled heart. Be then like the trees and the grass. Feel them, they are not trying to be or become anything. They just are.
When we allow our attention to choicelessly (without reacting to or acting on) perceive, receive, absorb and welcome all there is including the noises and our physical and thought discomfort, then they all recede in the background. It does not necessarily mean that thought dissolves (although it can) it simply retreats because your attention is now with its absolute reality where it feels most at home and recognizes itself most.
Slowly we learn to be aware of this “home-fulfilled” and causeless feeling even while one is talking or listening to someone else. It may become more feasible and accessible as we practice this choiceless observing. Soon it becomes second nature. First it is easier when practiced in meditation and retreats and then one learns to practice this new way of perceiving, of abiding in Advaita anywhere on a daily basis. And then as it becomes (or rather you wake up to) your faithful companion you are easily and surely drawn into an inseparable and loyal friendship with your true presence while thought recedes to the back stage.
What is the process by which we learn to become aware of our true self, presence in the here and now?
So at first we learn to examine how and why thought gets in the way and take over control. Then we discover that it is when we give thought our attention and identify with its content that it seems to hold sway over us. Then we learn that as we observe (without re-acting) without attaching ourselves to it or identifying with it thought’s energy subsides or dissolves all together. Eventually we scarcely are aware of this process which becomes second nature as we fully identify with the non-personal presence where all is fulfilled and just as it should be.
Since it becomes automatic, how will I know?
When I look back or check within and find that I have not had any psychological suffering in the last few hours or days, or it was short- lived, less frequent and with less emotional affect on me. Also, you can know by inferring it from the times you seem to not have been aware of time that went by as it was peaceful and pleasant. You can’t know it at the time that you are present. If you try to find out if you are/were present then you already are no longer present. When you are present you are the light, the smell, the sound, the background and all of it. From all directions it is like a one dimensional painting where the space itself is presence full-filled and emitting light as it is pleased to just be here.
Why can’t we just do it? Just follow the process you just mentioned.
Thought always say “perhaps tomorrow I will experience enlightenment, maybe the truth is over there, maybe I’ll find it after I retire or achieve this status,” etc. In the word “be-come” to ‘be” is deemed insufficient and must come in the future. Now why is it that “being” must come when it already is here? Do you understand the fallacy here? Thought always creates the illusion of space and time. I am not arguing if there is a physical time. It takes time to travel from here to New York, but rather I am looking at the psychological time. If I feel lonely and in my own bubble, separate from you and the world out there, that is psychological space, that I created by falsely believing that I am limited and stuck in this mortal body. I then believe that I have to fight and fear you because now you seem to be the “other” with whom it seems that I am not connected intimately. If on the hand I have experienced non-duality and I am abiding in it daily, why would I fight you, presence? You are me.
Because we falsely believe that we are this body/mind we therefore believe, even as we are here and now, that in order to find and meet our missing piece or God we need to go “over there” beyond this (body) time and space limitation, in order for us to get to this mystical final destination. That is why we cannot fathom the possibility that we are here and that we are also already “ALL THAT” space-less eternal and infinite being who like air welcomes all matter including this body/brain. Therefore we must first question the validity of this (false) premise that we are a limited being. Who or what is saying that we are limited? Thought itself is making such a statement. But thought itself is limited.
How do I know that thought itself is limited?
We say that thought is an object because it has the same characteristic as an object as they both can be perceived by the unlimited consciousness. So how can this limited thought comprehend or perceive in its totality that which is unlimited and perceiving it? As a person one cannot perceive oneself as consciousness and so, understandably, we are not able to find our true self. Whatever perceives has to be greater and on higher ground than the thing perceived. No wonder thought is at a loss and is always asking questions and doubting what is standing right in front of it. Why? Because it is limited by dimensions! It dwells in time and space and cannot perceive or comprehend the limitless and timeless. However because thought is permeated by the absolute reality, as soon as it rests it realizes where it is and feels at home as it recalls its absolute source. And until then I/thought will keep asking about the meaning of life and of what-am-I and guiding itself to its true nature through deductive logic saying “No, not this, not that, try there, not there either.” This will happen until it/thought understands that it is itself limited and finally surrenders to its greater self, the unknown.
We, our absolute true being, are already here, have always been here and now. But thought, believing that it is all there is and responding to its only programmed function which is to protect itself, feels the need to organize and control your own need to find your greater self. So thought constantly leads to your search “Yes, try over there; no I can’t sit still it makes me nervous; what will I do then and what will be my purpose?” Thought always wants to keep moving, keep looking anywhere else but right here right now otherwise it may find out that I is not needed. At least this is what thought believes.
In fact we do need and will always need the practical thoughts/mind in order to survive and function in society. That is why thought/mind panics when we sit quietly and become still when we merge for a moment and become one with our own presence. Just at that moment thought comes in and says. “Are you alright? Why are you so still, you don’t seem to be breathing, be careful you might die. Are sure you are alright?” Thought will create that doubt and fear (of death) just when you are ready to let go and just be you, what is. So seeing deeply and totally such pattern in thought, the next time when thought says “Are you alright?” smile and let that thought evaporate, not even giving it energy with a “Go away”. Be mirror like, effortlessly reflecting thought to itself. When it sees itself it ceases to be. Another thought may arise instead, but this one is no longer. Like a moth to the light, thought rises and, as it sees its limitation it dissolves.
Every time I try to look at my suffering I get panic attacks. Why is it so hard?
The good news is that we can perceive. The bad news is that believing that I am the perceived (thought) and not realizing that I am this perceiving Consciousness, I identify with the thought and concept that I am a person, a name, a status and a history. My conditioned mind becomes full of assumptions, guilt and sorrow, including the hurt that was done to me and the hurt I have inflicted on others.
However, once I realize experientially that I am Consciousness in which all this exists, here and now, I am able to welcome and be aware of our surroundings, of you, these spoken words and of these false beliefs- thoughts which this time hold little or no control and have no effect over my emotional realm. At first, the old me (mind) no longer impinges on me in the same way it did before; then, it no longer effects me at all. And then, better yet, I can now go back to those negative past experiences and find hidden in them the golden nuggets within those painful moments. And now, as I am reviewing those experiences through my new identity, Consciousness, I am like a handicapped person who has been given a new body (spirit). I am learning how to walk. Only now I can do so (in my mind and heart) reviewing and understanding my past from the all loving, inclusive and giving presence that I am. All those past and painful experiences have brought me to here and now. Without them I would have not been frustrated enough and my fuel would not have burned sufficiently to say enough is enough.
First things first! First I must see my psychological suffering for what it is. I can review it and allow its sorrow to come out and tell me its story. I can’t just repress all that and come out the other end having the feeling of being free from it all. Do you know what I mean? If one is denying that one has suffered such as, for example, those who suffered in my home town. They denied their suffering under an authoritarian regime because it was necessary for their survival. I mean if you do not acknowledge your own suffering how can you heal yourself?
So first I need to review whatever ails me, let it sit on my lap and reveal its sorrow. My mind will fight this and will create a thought that says, fly, run away, move, do something but do not stay here. Fear will overwhelm me, but I will keep trying to welcome this process until my painful past reveals itself. I will tell my fear it is alright. I will cry and compassionately embrace whatever or whoever made me suffer, because they themselves have incurred suffering which is why they are passing it on. I must free myself from this vicious circle; I need to see all of this suffering in a deep and total way so that I can break the shackles from my past. Otherwise I can never be free to be within my presence right here, right now as I still would be dwelling in my past. Free at last, I can now expand into my true limitless, lively, exciting, child-like and compassionate beingness.
One cannot do this serious work by just flirting with it. At least in my experience, for a strong output one needs a strong input. It is not how many years you put into this process but rather the intensity, honesty, and depth of inquiry you give it while baring your soul and allowing (with no resistance) your fears to rise into consciousness. That is what will bear fruit. At least that is what happened with me. Sometimes, though, what happens is that Grace will strike like lightening and awaken me further, bypassing the painful process of reviewing my past sorrow. Why and how this happens I truly have no idea.
Our absolute reality, in this case some may call it grace, can surprise people even if they know nothing about their true selves and were not even inquiring. Grace is not limited to any form or process and may come when least expected and however it chooses. So once it knocks on your door, you may choose to welcome it or run away from it or even deny it.
Obviously intellectual knowing is not enough when it comes to creating the fire in my desire to really look at the cost of attachment to my thoughts. How might it affect me in the past and in the future.
And how it is affecting you now?
Yes. And how it is affecting me right now! Yes, I am a walking ball of anxieties. I describe anxieties as fighting fear.
Wait! Stay right there! You see that fear? That is your teacher, not me. You have been refusing to open the door to your teacher for a long time now. You need to let that fear sit on your lap and look at it straight in the eye and ask it to finally reveal its story to you. Fear not. It will not harm you. You will not go crazy. Only good things will come out. Try it. You have tried everything else, right?
There is your key right there. Fear is and has been your friend all along. You just need to view it that way and then it won’t be fear. You’ll hear its drama as if you are sitting tense but safe in an action movie watching the suspense.
Like in a ghost story in a summer camp?
Yes. Just like in a ghost story in a summer camp. Give it the time and space, meditation and welcome whatever happens to you emotionally it will all be fine.
Did you mean that fear works against us and that it did not have to be? You mentioned once thought as being flexible and not to be feared or belittled if we want to succeed in our self-inquiry.
I was talking about thought. Thought can create fear as it can create understanding of itself as having a limited knowledge. At such time it becomes still and is open to the possibility that anything (unknown to itself) may happen. Thought rests in that space between thoughts where it was created and where it may once again merge with its own creator, Consciousness. Thought is one of the many bodies, objects, tools through which this moment right here, right now expresses and celebrates itself (us). Thought has varied ways of doing what it needs to do so that our specie survives. Be careful not to malign thought. Thought is not bad. Too many truth-seekers misunderstand statements such as thought must stop, the ego must die, etc. Those are more thoughts pointing at something beyond words.
It is not thought that is bad, it is needed to drive my car, function at work, shopping etc. But psychological suffering created by identification and attachment to false assumptions and beliefs are the challenge. This originates in the false assumptions that I am only this body or that my consciousness is limited to this body and therefore my consciousness is separate from yours. If these premises were true it would imply that there is absolutely no common ground informing us and allowing this very understanding going on right now between us. After all there are sound waves, x-rays and other known and unknown rays and subatomic particles going through and linking all of us. It is this core truth that we share in our dialogues that brings us together again and again each time. If it was not for our attraction to our essence, our true beingness, we would not be coming back. You will say “Sorry, I don’t get it this is not for me.” Our false beliefs and long held assumptions that we are separate are the roots of our psychological suffering. Feeling lonely locked in our separate bubble, not connected to the outside world like a stranger in one’s own body, family and community. Feeling as if I am never enough, never satisfied, never at rest or feeling in contempt of myself or what is.
How can I prove to myself that I am?
How can I deny to myself that I am right here, right now and that we all know that we are here? We all “know that we are aware of being here right now. This is a truth that no one can take away from you or convince you that you are not aware that you are here. Are we experiencing the same beingness? Is this IAM that knows that we are here, that was here this morning before we arrived and has been also with us as we were arriving? Will this IAMness still be here when we leave and at the same time be with us in the car? Is it everywhere, in the trees, the grass, birds, cats, dogs? Can we allow for such possibility to exist? What is standing in the way of us allowing and welcoming this reality? If for a minute we can be quiet…. it is an undeniable experience. And yes, thought will come in and say “Is it really?” That very doubt is thought creating a distance between what is (you) and it (your false belief). Drop that doubt. Period. Just be. It is that simple.
Why does thought create that doubt?
Thought being an object itself cannot perceive its creator, Consciousness. Being the organizer of our practical life, mind unknowingly takes over any experience we have and says “I” experienced it, “I” own it. It is my experience and I just made you aware of it now. What in fact happened is: First, there was experiencing, then thought piggybacks on the experiencing and says I experienced it. In fact experiencing happens on its own without thought. During experiencing there is no I, experiencing just is. Thought comes in a split second after the experience and obsessively attempts to own and manage it.
During this dialogue for example, as soon as you begin to experience no thought, thought says, i.e. “Aren’t you late for your next appointment? Isn’t the speaker finished already? He doesn’t fit my expectation of a guru?” Thought then fights silence and renders itself unable to be present to theses very words. But if you are present at this moment, there would be no discomfort and you would feel just fine where you are, welcoming all there is, the birds, breeze, playful light and shadows as well as the speaker’s sometime boring speeches including the judgmental and doubtful thoughts which are now set back into the background. No worries. You are here, presence, knowing that all is well.
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